Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
