Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just want to make out with him forever
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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