so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
