Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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