oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
