Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
sarcasm needs its own font
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
