the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
