I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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