I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers