I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
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if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
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We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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