So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.