She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
