I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
