I wish I could punch you in the face.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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