he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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