I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
