I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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