She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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