He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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