Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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