I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
