When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
