Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We were destined to go to rehab together
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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