Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
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checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
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He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."