I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves