I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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