I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
