The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
