hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
