i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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