I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
