so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
