I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
