Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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