you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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