I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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