Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
