6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
that may or may not have been my penis.
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