Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
