oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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