I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
