so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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