A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
