Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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