True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
