i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
my liver is dry heaving
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
