**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
