You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
