omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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