she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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