i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
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Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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