I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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