i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
