you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize