i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
