just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
