i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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