it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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