I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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